Cyclical

Still reeling from the losses of my last failed IUI cycle - loss of hope, loss of my imagined child, loss of time, loss of money - it was time to start the next cycle three days later. Time to throw my hormones into overdrive and invite Hope in where she doesn't belong once again. So I trudged down to the pharmacy and paid my hard-earned $50 for the poison that just might, possibly, against all odds, allow me to become a mother.

Though Clomid and I had a rough start this month - I spent a day crying over my weight and perceived sloppy appearance - we eventually reached an uneasy peace. My one day of anguish was followed by several days mostly characterized by functioning numbness. I was grateful for a rest from flooding emotion but I was not (and still am not) fully myself. Maybe my mind is finally starting to protect itself by developing a little bubble that keeps me safely at a distance from any kind of strong emotion. I am a rock - I am an island.

Being a little bit of an island may not be ideal but it is a relief. My IUI day this month was like a breath of fresh air compared to last month - partly because of the weather and partly due to the death of my expectations. Last month Randy and I both awoke feeling not quite right, I ran into traffic on the way to the clinic and had worked myself into a stressed out frenzy about my lateness, and then I got disappointing news about how things looked once I was with the doctor. I left the clinic in tears, called in sick to work, and sat at home trapped in time - not wanting to do anything and not wanting to do nothing. This time the skies were a piercing blue and sun drenched the impossibly green grass as Randy and I woke. I got ready early and had time to collect my thoughts and straighten my surroundings before I left. At the clinic I felt calm and lucid - noticing things I hadn't last month and remembering to ask questions that had eluded my memory last time. Our chances looked much better this month and my doctor was reassuring.

I decided to try and capitalize on the positive vibes and extend them for as long as possible, thinking that they couldn't hurt my chances even if they didn't help - and that if nothing else it would be therapeutic for me. So I did a little shopping and then went home and tended to my flowers and read a book in the sun on my back porch. So if this cycle is successful - which I don't dare expect - I'll take a little happiness in the fact that he or she will have been conceived on a sunny, peaceful day.